HOROSCOPE

This is So Not Hallmark

Try as we might, we won’t get around whatever this total lunar eclipse brings us; it occurs on the day of the Solstice and will be in a ratty angle with retrograde Mercury and chaotic Uranus. Christmas is an amazing time of expectations (both giving and receiving), performance and living up to what everyone thinks should be. Blow that, too crazymaking unless you’re so wealthy you can get around it (if you are, skip this part).

What can I say? It’s going to be crazy this week! We’re coming up to the end of an insane year and that insanity will not move aside for Christmas. So, embrace the day and take lots of photos and videos and make up stuff to laugh about. I mean, we are being forced to get a really insane sense of humor (much like a Third World Country) and let stuff just roll. We have witnessed really incredible stuff and had incredible stuff happen to us that we want to just end the year and see what happens next year.

No screenwriter could possibly have written this year. None of us could have expected this year. I know many of us are agog with the audacity of our society and how it is revealing itself for what it is. Well, better out than in. At least we know what we’re dealing with and we can make some popcorn and watch it all.

I do hope you all have a warm and sweet Christmas, even if you’re alone on the day, and let the lights at night tickle your spirit and make you smile. This is a special time of year for us, and we who embrace it receive its goodness, even if it doesn’t look like any commercial.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and may your days be merry and bright within the tornado of idiot stupid things going wrong this week!

Aries (March 21- April 19): It’s the Big Week and your carefully laid plans are very likely to get totally screwed up because of an argument in the heavens. Don’t take it personally and don’t turn into the Tasmanian Devil over it. Actually, you always go above and beyond, so for this week my best suggestion for you is that you stay within the parameters. The total lunar eclipse falls in your sector of travel/communications and it opposes retrograde Mercury in your sector of long distance travel/expansion. Under do, dear Rambo. Stock up on contingency plans and if all else fails, have emergency candles and stuff.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You bring a touch of class to everything you do, and this year is no different. As we count down to the big day, keep your expectations within a range of sanity; the planets are not going to be on anyone’s side this week, but if you and your loved ones have a Plan B you’ll be fine. Some things will have to be postponed, but everyone’s heart is in the right place. This will be the gnarliest Christmas week we’ve had in quite some time; you may have an unexpected outlay of cash too, above and beyond gifts so hopefully you have a stash. In the meantime, eat, drink and be merry because you truly have no control.

Gemini (May 21- June 20): Oh, my. Release any visions of what you think Christmas is going to be like because it’s going to go sideways and hopefully not into the ditch! There is a big, fat T-Square greeting us this week involving your Ruler Mercury (retrograde), chaotic Uranus and plus a total lunar eclipse in the late degrees of your sign. Gak. Have everything ready but don’t wear yourself out, and pace yourself this week! Luckily, you’re not one to be devastated over plans that go awry because that’s part and parcel of life as a Gemini but this week will guarantee a surprise you weren’t counting on.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Home for the Holidays…maybe not. This week opens with extremely uncooperative planets and I don’t think the weather is going to be very nice to us either. Not trying to throw a wrench into the festive works, but realistically, you’ll be very lucky if anything goes as planned on the Big Day, so just hang tight and be careful…don’t push it and try to realize your expectations because you’ll only frustrate yourself. The total lunar eclipse in your sector of Endings may manifest as a disagreement with a prominent female and the fallout will spill over into next year. Appreciate this Christmas as what it can be for you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Try as you might, you probably won’t be able to pull out of the challenges this week brings you, although you may find some ironic humor in it all. The total lunar eclipse is in an aggravating position against Uranus and retrograde Mercury, so there may be cancellations or delays or some dumb thing that makes you crabby. This Christmas will be more stressful than others, but hopefully you’ll roll with it and make stuff up as you go. I know, you’re not like that, but pretend you are. You’ll feel a lot better!

Virgo (August 23 – September 21): This week you’re likely to be meeting yourself coming and going! The total lunar eclipse falls in an awful aspect with retrograde Mercury and chaotic Uranus, and if you were born on or around September 19 you’ll feel it the most. Your flexibility will be stretched to the max in terms of other people changing their minds several times over until you don’t know what’s going on at all. Have a spiked ‘nog, put up your feet, watch your favorite movie or bury yourself in a good book and don’t worry about it. It is what it is and you are who you are and you’re good!

Libra (September 22 – October 23): This week will see you trying to chew through the restraints; the total lunar eclipse occurs in an antagonistic position with retrograde Mercury and chaotic Uranus; this makes for delays and frustrations and arguments with all and sundry, especially those who are key figures in making Christmas perfect and simply don’t want to cooperate! Keep your tongue in cheek this week and try to get a handle on the true spirit of the season rather than the neurosis and you’ll pull out of it all just fine.

Scorpio (October 24- November 22): You may have a nasty surprise this week in terms of an unexpected expense (likely a car issue); the total lunar eclipse occurs in an antagonistic position with retrograde Mercury (in your sector of finances) and chaotic Uranus. You may fare better than most and land on your feet, but not without saying, “Whoa! What a ride!” This Christmas promises to be memorable in some way, and with your determination you will triumph but not without an argument with something. Fortunately, you’re not one to overdo anyway.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 20): You may get carried away with festivities and be tempted to sign something or agree to a project, but don’t. Retrograde Mercury in your sign is at a really touch angle to the total lunar eclipse and chaotic Uranus, so fly under the radar and go with the flow. You do like to push the river, but this is not the week to do it, Archer. Just relax, have some ‘nog and be happy with what you have. This isn’t a week to enhance anything. It’s a week to paint the steps on the dance floor and follow them as best you can.

Capricorn (December 21 – January 20): You really like for things to go right, but this week they probably won’t. If too many things start going wrong to the point where you’re ready to punch the wall, it’s probably a good time to head for the covers and get under them. The total lunar eclipse occurs in an antagonistic position with retrograde Mercury and chaotic Uranus, and it really is best to not argue with these guys. Let the arguments flow around you without intercepting. Look at all the pretty lights in the night and let them illuminate your spirits.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 20): You’re not long on patience or forgiveness, and this week will see you hopping from one little disaster to another since the lunar eclipse occurs in an antagonistic position to retrograde Mercury and chaotic Uranus (your Ruler). Well. This week could very well be like a Home Alone crazy scenario or a completely dysfunctional family time where the people whose only job on the planet is to irritate you (or the other way around). Whimsy and nutty, frustrating and hilarious all in one big ball. Keep laughing.

Pisces (February 21 – March 20): If you’re counting on a Hallmark Christmas, be willing to do it yourself since the lunar eclipse falls at a hard angle to both retrograde Mercury and chaotic Uranus in your sign. Those of you born around March 18 will feel this the most, and if other start snapping at you, back off and let them contact you instead of trying to make sure all is well. You get your feelings hurt when you reach out to touch someone and they bite. Folks are gonna bite this week so just pad your nest and do only what you have to.