Health: Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la gerbil

Do you remember high school physics? Do you remember high school? In any case, you may have learned this equation: F = M x A2. "Force equals mass times the acceleration squared.” Basically, this states that the faster you accelerate or decelerate, the more force you feel. Let us look at a real life example involving the automobile.

Mr. Fudd, who weighs in at 200 pounds, is traveling at 45 mph in his 1962 Valiant, when the ditch that he crashes into stops his car in about one-half second. If he had an airbag and a seatbelt, he might feel a force of about nine Gs. Without these handy gizmos, he would experience about 18 Gs of force up against the dash board. At 18 Gs, Mr. Fudd now weighs 3,600 pounds. Ouch.

Not real keen on math? Here is another way to look at it. Imagine that you are standing along the roadside. The passenger of a car passing by at 45 mph just happens to accidentally throw a 40-pound sea chest out the window, striking you square in the chest. Happens all the time. Now, realize that this is only about one-fifth as much force as you would experience in the above example.

Still too much math? One final example … the happy gerbil example. I tell my patients to imagine placing a happy little gerbil in a metal box and then shaking the box very hard. Now, take out the gerbil and look at it. Is it still happy? Please do not misunderstand me. I like gerbils. They are cute and extremely energetic, a lot like little dogs and they don’t bark.

Also, understand that I am not suggesting that you should actually wear seatbelts. No, no, no. I love trauma. Trauma is fun! “Twelve ruptured spleens, 11 pelvic fractures, 10 dislocations, nine torn aortas, eight broken elbows, seven lacerations, six punctured lungs ... five golden comas ... four abdominal pains, three concussions, two facial injuries,” all provide entertainment in the ER.

So, leave that seatbelt dangling alongside your seat. And if you would like to really do it up right, as in the holiday spirit, have a little alcohol before getting on the road. It does a fabulous job of slowing reflexes. Road hazards become much too complicated to bother responding to in a timely way.

Another big plus with alcohol is its capacity to impair judgment. Drink and you will drive recklessly in slippery, icy, dark conditions and around sharp corners. And, of course, you will also drive way too fast. Recall from our physics discussion how this adds energy to the impact. Dr. Bob’s law: More energy = more injury = more fun for me.

With this in mind, the recent advents from the automobile industry have caused me no small amount of frustration. This business, of course, is all about the routine installation of airbags into cars. This is a very disquieting practice. It seriously threatens to take away the fun. And yet, the non-users of seatbelts furnish hope. You see, the airbag designers worked under the assumption that you will actually hit the airbag. Without a seatbelt on, that likelihood is much reduced.

Once again, think of our friend the gerbil. If one were to glue a little airbag to the inside of the metal box before shaking, Mr. Gerbil would avoid injury in that one spot quite nicely. The problem is all of those other places without an airbag. Likewise, in most auto impacts there are actually a number of different forces applied at once. Consequently, you may not just fly from your seat in a perfectly, orderly, straight-forward direction.

In reality, drivers and passengers are thrown in a variety of directions. Without a seatbelt, there is nothing to stop sideways motion or diagonal motion, or any kind of gerbil motion.

Another fun-saving phenomenon is the "bounce factor.” With a seatbelt on and an airbag in place, your body is pretty much limited to one impact. But take away these restraints and it is actually possible to bounce off of several surfaces within the car. In the ER, this is very exciting because now it becomes a game to find all of the injured parts. Each time the patient is rolled to a new position we are likely to find another injury. It’s like a really fun treasure hunt.

Perhaps the most interesting cases that I have seen are the ejection injuries. These occur when an unrestrained driver or passenger decides to leave their seat upon impact and depart the vehicle via the windshield. Basically, these people decide to use their heads as battering rams to push aside that pesky little windshield so that they can then enjoy bouncing their way down the street. You can increase your chances of this special treat by — you guessed it — not wearing your seatbelt.

In spite of the recent seatbelt law, I look forward to a very bright, trauma-filled future. This is due mainly to some persistent and pervasive beliefs among drivers.

— “If it is a short trip, seatbelts are not worth the trouble.” I love this! Most trips are short!

— “Seat belts are a hassle to put on and take off.” This holds up as long as people fail to realize that the actual process takes only about four seconds to accomplish. With the average drive taking a few minutes, seatbelt users are only adding about 1 percent to the overall trip time. But hey, who thinks about things like that?

— And finally there is Fudd’s Law: “Seat belts don’t actually prevent injury”; and Embo’s Deviate to Fudd’s Law, “Seat belts actually cause injuries.” Oh, please.

In conclusion, let me thank, in advance, the sans seatbelt crowd. As the days grow darker and I am feeling a little depressed, you may just give me that small lift with the gift of trauma. ’Tis the season to be gerbil. (Absolutely no animals were injured or abused during the writing of this article).

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